I really hated you

မြတ္ဆလင္မွ ထြက္ခြာသြားသူ၏ ဖြင့္ဟ၀န္ခံခ်က္ စာေလးတစ္ခုပါ။ မုဒိမ္းအက်င့္ခံရလုိ႔ မြတ္ဆလင္ျဖစ္လာေသာ ျမန္မာျပည္မွ ကုလားမ်ား အလြန္ဖတ္သင့္သည့္ စာေလးျဖစ္ပါသည္။


Dear Ali Sina

I must let you know there was a time I really hated you. “How dare you tell such lies about Islam?” I’d say. But deep inside I knew it was the truth [shock treatment works].

I feel I was kind of conned into Islam, I read all the pamphlets regarding great “scientific miracles” in the Quran. I read how it was the trilogy of the Abrahamic faiths, how if I loved Jesus I should be a Muslim because he was. I did love Jesus, but I never believed he was God I just thought his teachings where great, really advanced for his time and that he truly loved people and wanted them to live a better life. I began to believe that God really does exist. I read so many books until one day I was sufficiently brain washed and I converted.

The Quran I always found hard to take, it was sadistic, but because everyone I knew found it so beautiful I began to think it was me that I was reading it the wrong way. Mohammed, I didn’t dislike, but as hard as I tried to love him there was something holding me back. It was like for every one beautiful Hadith I read there were ten horrendous ones. The deeper I began to dig into the real Islam I found darker and darker things, until I snapped. I hate this man. How did God ever think it was a good idea to send him as a prophet? But I still couldn’t disbelieve.

I began to think that God was in fact evil. Then the Quran started to make sense. At the same thought I thought God hated me because I was clearly a hypocrite.

Somewhere in all this madness I was an extremist. I forced my son to go to an Islamic school that he hated. I would pressure him to pray. I knew when he told me he believed he was lying, so I began to think bad things about my own child. And I withheld my affection from him .I can’t tell you how sick that makes me feel now. I hated everyone and everything that wasn’t Islamic or Halal. I looked down on everyone even my Parents and sisters. My relationship was about trying to convert them. Instead of holding my poor dying grandmother in her last hours I tried to convert her. I have only started grieving for her now, two years after her death because I couldn’t pray for her as I believed she was in the depths of Hell, where she apparently deserves to be. My Grandmother was a beautiful human being who loved us all so much.

I would pray that God would give me a way to do Jihad. My faith was a kind of religious zeal filled with arrogance. My mind was totally warped. Before I became a Muslim I loved people with all their faults. I had friends from all walks of life. I lost a very good friend who had been there for me my entire life, just because he was Gay.

I even started to hate my Husband because he was a weak Muslim. I began to push him, trying to make him a good strong Muslim ‘brother.” [What a crap!] And I succeeded. He was so proud of me and what I had become. I had become a monster. My husband is now thankfully no longer a good Muslim brother. He is just a good man. But he does still believe and will not have anything bad said about Islam. He is no longer proud of me because I left Islam and our marriage is dead. He is normally a kind and calm man, but if I even begin to speak about the reasons I have left the faith he becomes aggressive. So we don’t talk. We just pass the time of day. We are just waiting for a good time to go our separate ways.

Islam did not bring me peace. It gave me a mental illness. I am starting to rebuild my relationship with my son, but I don’t think he will ever truly forgive me for what I did to him. I am trying to keep a low profile in my community. I am scared, I don’t know if it is just my paranoia, but I know how I felt about people like me. I really don’t know what to expect when it all comes out and I know it will. I needed your site, I needed shock treatment. My brain is my own again. I was a terrorist in the making.

Jane (a psyedonyme)

(ယုံၾကည္ခ်က္ ။ ။ မုဒိမ္းေကာင္ လူရမ္းကား ၀ါဒကုိ ေဒါသမထြက္ပါနဲ႔… ႏွိပ္ကြပ္ရလုိ႔လဲ ပီတိမျဖစ္ပါနဲ႔. . . ကုလားကုိလဲ လူမ်ဳိးေရး မႏွိပ္ကြပ္ပါနဲ႔ . . အဲဒါေတြက အက်ဳိးမရွိပါဘူး။ ယုတ္ညံ့သည့္ ၀ါဒဆုိးၾကီးကုိ ျဖဳိဖ်က္ေရးမွာ ခင္ဗ်ားကုိယ္တုိင္ အုတ္တစ္ခ်ပ္ သဲတစ္ပြင့္အျဖစ္ လုပ္ကုိင္ေရးက လက္ေတြ႔အက်ဆုံးျဖစ္ပါသည္ )